Florida has one busy legislature. They spend their time on everything from the amount of toilet paper in restaurant bathrooms to fake testicles on the back of pickup trucks.
The mighty Solons of Florida have just passed a whopping 140 new regulations. Hopefully residents can keep them all straight! Highlights:
-If you sell horse meat for human consumption, you should be aware of new labeling rules.
-It is now illegal to own a Burmese python in Florida.
-Or a bong, for that matter.
-Florida’s $100 limit for poker buy-ins is repealed. There is no longer a limit on buy-in amount.
-Want to coach your kid’s youth sports team? You will have to pass a background check.
-The next time you buy over-the-counter cold medicine, you will have to show ID and sign a form.
“I remember the importance of toilet paper while being shelled a few times, a couple of times while on the throne. I don’t understand why they can’t do re-cycled AND fluffy. Why are they exclusive?”
 |
| One 122 mm mortar round can ruin that beautiful experience on the throne. |
That’s from an officer I befriended at Camp Corregidor in Ramadi, Iraq, where it rained shells so often we had to wear body armor at all times outside of fortified buildings. He saw my blog “Enviros want to wipe out soft toilet paper!” concerning the greens wanting us to use recycled toilet paper instead of the softer kind from older – but not “old growth” – trees. Older trees are better carbon sinks, meaning better at soaking up CO2.
It’s all about fiber length. Longer fibers mean fewer knots and it’s those knots you feel, whether in TP or in your bedsheets or in clothes – albeit not in Army uniforms, which are part polyester anyway.
That’s why Egyptian cotton is the best, because it has the longest fibers. Recycled paper products inherently have fiber of short length, hence lots of knots. Not so important when you’re writing on it, but rather more so when wiping with it and – although I personally haven’t had the experience – doing so with 122 mm rounds dropping around your throne.
Okay, this time they’ve gone too far!
Now, says the Washington Post, environmentalists are trying to wipe out plush toilet paper!
They say that’s because plush U.S. toilet paper is usually made from older trees – though not what’s defined as “old growth” by any means. And older trees, they say, are better for absorbing carbon dioxide and thereby slowing global warming.
(Have you noticed that there’s nothing that can’t be tied into global warming?)
They want us Americans to wipe with the same stuff Europeans use, made from recycled paper goods.
Well, I’ve been to Europe a lot and while I’m no xenophobe I must say their toilet paper is just one grade above sandpaper. No, ifs, ands, or butts about it.
They’ll get my soft toilet paper when they pry it from my cold dead hands!
(Though I really don’t want to be found dead sitting on “the throne” . . . )
In the interest or saving trees, the legacy of Mr. Whipple (please don’t squeeze the Charmin!) could be a thing of the past. The greens have already succeeded in taking away well-functioning toilet bowls, why not soft toilet paper? Michael Fumento notes today on his blog how the greens want to ban soft toilet paper (see Washington Post story). Instead, we will only be able to buy toilet paper made with recycled materials, which might make fine-toothed sand paper feel smooth in comparison. They also want your soft tissues. Imagine wiping your sick child’s sore little nose with nasty, rough recycled-content tissues.
Greens say the soft stuff is bad because it comes from old growth trees. So what? Forests change over time as older trees die or are harvested for products. This process has been going on for centuries. The key is not to abandon forestry and live inferior, less-pleasant lifestyles, it’s to operate forests in a truly sustainable way. And contrary to the “politically green” approach, the true way to do this is through private forestry that uses, manages, and re-grows forests. Since we began to sustainably harvest and use forests on a private basis, we actually have more forests in the United States than we did at the turn of the century. In contrast, in places where the government owns and manages the forests “for nature,” we have major mismanagement problems, pest problems, and fires, which wreak far more havoc for wildlife than harvesting and replanting on private land. Developing nations might not have privately managed forests yet, but we should work toward that with them rather than abandon trade. The greens’ no-trade, approaches only leave developing nations in the dark ages, perpetuating poverty and environmental destruction.
It might sound silly to worry about toilet paper, but letting the greens have their way will this “fanny-state” regulation will mean even more intrusions to our freedom in the future. It’s time consumers started watching their backs—or there will be no freedoms left behind.
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